Wednesday, December 1, 2010

20101201.2110

It has been some time, I know, since I commented. In that time, the semester has drawn closer to an end, and I have worked to explain to my students the concepts of counter-argument and rebuttal.

It has gone as well as it ever has, which is to say "not well at all."

As I was explaining it this week, though, an example occurred to me. It is a bit of a lark (satire or parody, whichever allows me protection under Fair Use), yes, but still, I thought it worth developing...as much as anything I write ever really is.*

The archetypal Mighty Weapon can be defined as a crafted or artificially-produced object (i.e., one not occurring in nature) which, whether by design or accident, is capable of inflicting significant harm on places, other objects, or people. Often, the Mighty Weapon will have qualities or attributes that violate the commonly-understood nature of reality. The "food" that can be gotten from Taco Bell meets this definition handily; it is a manifestation of the Mighty Weapon.

It is admittedly true that food is not often considered a vector for such an archetype as the Mighty Weapon. Food is a necessity for life, which is not regarded as true for Mighty Weapons--or, indeed, any weapons, if pacifists are to be believed. Additionally, weapons are typically conceived of as implements used for striking in some form, and food, except in school-house cafeterias, is not often enough employed in such a manner as to facilitate the identification of any particular food item as a weapon.

In this, as in so many other cases, common thought is misleading. While food is necessary for life and is not typically employed in a striking capacity, it has on no small number of occasions been used as a vector for chemical and biological attacks--poisons both and therefore weapons, if markedly ignoble ones. The storied presence of food-tasters speaks to the recognition of such a venue for attack. So, too, do various food-tampering laws in the United States and elsewhere. Even hygiene standards and the simple existence of the Heimlich Maneuver in some measure address the potential lethality of food, and if a thing can be made lethal, then it can be made into a weapon. Food thus presents itself as a suitable manifestation of a Mighty Weapon, even if it is one not commonly understood as such.

The destructive powers of Taco Bell "food" in particular is well-known. The Adult Swim cartoon The Venture Brothers includes in "The Trial of the Monarch" a warning from Dr. Orpheus, calling upon people to avoid the bathroom he recently vacated because he "had Taco Bell for lunch!" This is hardly a ringing endorsement of the safety such "food" provides. Instead, it likens the after-effects of consuming Taco Bell to serious health hazards, and while the warning offered refers specifically to the effect of eating Taco Bell on others, is it not the effect of a bullet upon the one it strikes, rather than upon the one who fires it from a gun, which is the thing to be avoided? Taco Bell "food" is thus tacitly connected to the use of weaponry.

In addition to the pop-culture reference, a friend of mine (who will remain nameless here not so much for his own protection but because his name ought not to be presented where children, the elderly, or the infirm might accidentally come into contact with it) tells a story of an occasion of particular stupidity in his life. On that occasion, he and some of his other friends thought that it would be a good idea for them to get into an eating contest in which the objects of consumption were to be Taco Bell soft tacos.

As he relates the story, there was no winner. While it was true that one among them did prove to have a greater capacity for consumption, that one proved also to have a greater amount of suffering. Diarrhea, indigestion, nausea, and extreme discomfort were all attendant upon the "victory," and to as much greater an extent upon the "winner" than upon the "losers" as was the margin of excess. None of these, admittedly, are "harm" in the same way that amputation and death are, but as those who have suffered them are aware, they are hardly pleasant, either. And it is not necessary for a weapon that it inflict catastrophic injury, as the development of non-lethal ammunition such as beanbag shells and tasers suggests; the level of incapacitation that gastrointestinal distress inflicts is comparable to some non-lethal ammunition, so that the "harm" administered by the consumption of Taco Bell "food" does attain to the level delivered by more traditional weapons.

Situation of Taco Bell "food" as a weapon, though, does not make it a Mighty Weapon, though it is necessary for it. The mightiness of the weapon is a result of its insidiousness and ubiquity. The former is addressed, in part, above; food is not commonly understood to be a weapon. Many times, the un-looked-for weapon is the one that strikes most deeply and to greatest effect. That Taco Bell "food" is sneaky in this way increases its effect, lending to its might as a weapon.

Similarly, the comparatively low cost of the "food" available from Taco Bell masks its destructive potential. Typically, armament is quite costly, so that a low price is disassociated with martial possibility. Related is the fact that armament tends to be highly esteemed. In the United States (and elsewhere, admittedly), the esteem in which something is held often strongly correlates to its assessed financial value, so that things which cost more are perceived as more worthwhile and more important. Conversely, things which cost less are perceived as less worthwhile and less important, so that the low price of Taco Bell "food" distances it from more conventional weapons, aiding in the development of the stealth which increases the destructive effect of the "food."

Being able to strike from hiding tends to increase destructive capacity. So, too, does being able to strike from multiple locations. Taco Bell, as franchised fast food, is amply situated to attack along multiple vectors. There are Taco bell "restaurants" on street-corners, in malls, in college food-courts, in airports (which prompts the release of their effects in cramped, crowded spaces, increasing the severity of those effects yet more), and elsewhere. Each one carries a payload of gut-destroying "foods," all easily and quickly available to any who ask and pay the nearly-nominal fees for the products. While it can be argued that the individual effects of each item of Taco Bell "food" are minute, they are available in such numbers that the collected "food" cannot be considered anything less than a Mighty Weapon of high order.

This, of course, leaves aside the soul-crushing despair that nearly-universally accompanies work in food service franchises, the detrimental effects on people and the environment that the food production supplying the fast-food industry creates, and the demonstrated adverse health-effects of fast-food consumption. Factoring those in removes any doubt that Taco Bell "food" is one of the many manifestations of the archetypal Mighty Weapon, one lurking throughout the United States and waiting to be aimed at each one of us.

*Self-pity aside, it's a joke, folks. Also, I am not going to provide full and formal citation here, and for the same reason: It's a damned joke.

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