20140930.0712

Payday has happened again, and thus bill-paying has happened again. I do seem to have a bit more left over this time than usual, though, which is a welcome surprise. Perhaps this time I will be lucky enough not to see it all flutter away from me, as so often happens. But, given some of the circumstances in which I find myself, I doubt I will. Something always seems to come up. Already, I am getting messages about renewing some of the memberships I hold--and since I benefit from them, I am inclined to do so. But they cost money...

That last thing, that money...it is a source of sorrow, of course. I and many others spend our time in trying to acquire it so that we can spend it to support our ability to try to acquire it, as has been pointed out and as remains something of a ridiculous cycle. But it does require doing; there is not a place that is not owned, that the presence of a person will go unremarked and unchallenged. Going "off the grid" as so many seek to do requires carving out a space from the omnipresent grid--and that can only be done through recourse to the resources controlled by the grid.

More, I and some others are caught because we need the resources of the grid to do the work that we seek to do. It accounts for part of the willingness of people to prostitute themselves adjunct for as long as they do; even an adjunct has (some) access to a college's resources, and that access enables the work that scholars do in a number of fields. I have yet to find recent journal articles or scholarly texts on the broader internet (and they do not seem the kinds of things to which pirates are like to attend), and those who work in the "harder" fields need access to equipment that far exceeds the ability of most every scholar I have ever known to purchase and operate. We are bound for our very identities as generators of knowledge to the systems that oppress us, and we can only extricate ourselves through amputation. How many will make the coyote's choice, then, and gnaw off a leg to escape the trap? And for those who might, what kind of life has the coyote afterward?

I do what I can against the circumstance. I work diligently, as I have been taught to do, and if the work I do seems not so much to be work...would I be making more to struggle in the sweltering sunlight? Does it seem that I would be happier doing otherwise than I do? Does it seem I would be less complicit in the structures that maintain the status quo? If I would not, why would I change what I do? For I do not see that so many others who stand near me have advancement, unless they have connections that I am too late to develop...I have not as much as I should like, perhaps, but I am not eager to give it up on a chance I see as unlikely to come.

20140929.0712

The work week is beginning again (as though it ever really ends; there is a reason I brought up the workend, after all), and I find myself a bit...apprehensive about it. This week, after all, sees the submission of six-week grades, a sort of progress report on my students, and I have the notion that a number of them are going to be...displeased with what I will have to submit. I have already told them that the grades cannot be altered once submitted and that they will derive entirely from observed performance leading up to the submission, but I am certain some will come to me to plead for extra credit or a grade change. (They always do.) Frankly, I do not want to have to deal with the whining or with the fallout from the whining (for despite what is attested here and elsewhere about what ought to happen, student reports do much to influence re/hiring decisions, and I am not so secure that I can afford not to worry about rehiring).

What makes matters worse is that I believe I am due for course evaluations soon. Because of my position, I have been subject to additional scrutiny, which takes the form more of student evaluations than faculty observations. I would like to have more of the latter, particularly since the latter can result in letters of recommendation that work to my advantage. (I recall, suddenly, that I need to update my CV again. I recall, too, that I need to ask a few people for dossier letters, just to be safe. And I need to send out more job applications; I have been slower of late, for obvious reasons.) But that requires complicated scheduling, and I am not the only busy person about. Maybe I can make something happen, try to pull in favors...but in the meantime, I am obliged to be concerned for what my students will write about me.

I ought not to be, I know. I ought to simply do my job as best as I am able. But I also have responsibilities that require me to maintain steady employment; there is the job as officially described, and there is the job that is tacitly understood but often more important, and the two do come into conflict. It is not at all a comfortable situation, and it is not one that training in teaching (which I have at the undergraduate, graduate, and post-graduate levels; I am a professional, and I seek to refine my skills continuously) generally discusses. (Seriously. Administrative rigmarole occupies quite a bit of time for those who would teach; it ought to be covered in professional development courses and seminars.) I have handled it relatively well so far; I have been renewed before. But I am not ever certain that I will be again. I have seen too many dismissed quietly, despite good performance, to trust to things before I have a contract in hand. It is a shame, really; things could be so much better...

20140928.0835

There are times I think I have been wrong
That I am still wrong
That I ought to accept as inevitable
That the things I think are wrong
Are going to happen
And others will benefit from them
And I ought to align myself with those others
And gain the benefits

There are pernicious dogmas
That come from all points on the political circuit
That is really a circuit
That ensure that all of us
Are caught in at least one of them
And I am no exception
And I am trapped in more than one
And I mislike the feeling

20140927.0703

This workend is brought to you
By Shit Academics Say and the letter F
Clicking the link will show why the one
You can guess the other

There is always more to do
There is never time to do it
There is never a task that can be not done
There is always something that is

A quiet time is what I ask
A quiet time to work
A quiet time that offers peace
A quiet time will soon be wasted
For fatigue leaps out whenever it can
And it, too, likes the quiet
And it is quiet now

20140926.0641

My mind often wanders
Sometimes following paths worn into the grass
Sometimes following already-paved ways
And some of those have worn down the pavement from being so heavily trodden

From time to time
I strike out across the grass where no trails lead
And if I do sometimes step in shit
I sometimes also find flowers of great beauty
Hitherto unseen

Sometimes the wanderings go into the forest
Passing between the trees
And I sometimes run into them
Or catch myself on a low-hanging branch
But sometimes I climb one
Seeing in its branches and bole something to bolster me
And the view is good

I report on those flowers and that view
Sometimes, I am even believed

20140925.0708

I am tempted to write another piece on the encroaching "Christmas" holiday, particularly since my wife and I saw "Christmas" decorations in one of the stores we shopped at yesterday...right alongside Halloween decorations. (The juxtaposition seems poised to make some heads explode in this Buckle of the Bible Belt in which I live.) But I think I will not; I do not think I have much if anything to add to the earlier piece, unless it is in what I have said here and elsewhere. My hackles have not raised, whether because I am growing inured to the phenomenon or because I am too tired to do more than make the feeble observation, I know not and care not much more.

Since I am thinking about the holiday now only three months off, I have to think about Ms. 8 and how she will interact with it. I know it is a thing that can bring her little heart happiness, and I very much want my daughter to be happy, but it is also something that will immure her in consumerist trappings and appropriative, oppressive "religious" practices without my help, and I do not want her to be burdened by them any more than cannot be prevented. (I am under no illusions about my efficacy against the silent, tacit weight of dominant threads of popular culture.) So I am left with some concern as to how much to celebrate with her, and in what way.

The argument may well be floated that it will not matter at this point, since she will not be old enough to understand and will not remember what happens this year in any event. Both assertions may well be true. The latter, though, simply defers the problem. The former fails to understand that patterns established early continue to shape events and people, consciously and unconsciously, thereafter. Consider: what my wife and I have for Christmas décor is stored (if imperfectly) where it can be found. Any additions to it will be similarly stored. They can thus be found by Ms. 8 when she is old enough to understand and to ask questions (which I am convinced will be sooner than expected, but I would be convinced my daughter is unusually smart). She will be already embedded in some of the more...problematic aspects of the "celebration." And it is about that already-embeddedness that I worry.

I would like to "just be happy" about things. I would like to have uncomplicated joy with my little girl and with my wife. But I have the misfortune of being aware of--and indeed trained to seek--the implications of words and deeds, and many of them are far from happy. For me to neglect them would be irresponsible, and for me to ignore them as they apply to my daughter--and they cannot help but do so--would be far worse than that. Neither suggests itself as particularly acceptable. I do have some semblance of scruple, after all...

20140924.0651

Things are finally returning to some semblance of normalcy from the tumult of the weekend just past. My wife, Ms. 8, and I were in Texas visiting my father-in-law and his family, which was fine and dandy. Less so was the fact that I took a head cold or some such thing, and I took it badly; I am not often laid out by one, but I was this time, such that I was still not in a condition to work Monday. (The Mrs. seems to be getting it, now, which is also bad; we have things at the house, and she works at a pharmacy, but still...) My wife and daughter did well, though, and so I am not displeased to have done what I could to help them see family.

I spent most of yesterday trying to catch myself up. It worked, more or less, but I find that I am not as...composed this morning as I would prefer to be to face the day. I think my students will appreciate not having a quiz today, but I also think they will be a bit annoyed at my not having gotten done the grading that I would normally have done. I would not worry, but their evaluations do factor into whether or not I get renewed, and as I do not yet have a stable job to which to go from this one, I need to secure this one as much as I can.

The job search is progressing, if slowly. There are not as many postings for my field this time as there were last time--so far as I have yet seen. Freelance work and the demands of teaching, as well as of the many research projects I have waiting for me (and to which I have not attended as diligently as I ought), have interdicted it somewhat. I try to send out one a day at least, but I have not done so well in that as I might otherwise hope. I press on, of course, as there is no other way, but I am not so...prolific this time around. What it says about me, I am not sure.

I do think that I have been busier this year than last. Ms. 8 accounts for some of it, of course; not only does she need attention in herself, she has prompted much more in the way of travel and visitors than had been normal for me before. (I am not complaining; I am instead glad she is so well loved.) Too, I have been working to improve myself so that I can land a more stable job and thereby do more to secure my daughter's future. I am working to get more material into print (which is working, if slowly) and to be of better service to my discipline. So far, I have been keeping up--but the illness of last weekend, minor as it is compared to what some others I know face, points out the difficulty I face in doing so and the instability of the situation.

I have got to get things done.

20140923.1019

Matters are improved.
Good.
There is more work to do.
There is never enough time in which to do it.
Sick days do not help.

20140922.0818

I was away.
I am now back
But I am unwell.
Figures.

20140919.0715

Briefly:

Ms. 8 is seven months old today. It does not feel like it. It is still largely fun.

I do not think the flu shot is the problem. There is still work to do, though. I am thrilled.

It is hard to jump into a series eight books in.

Scotland will remain part of the UK for now, it seems. With the oil to which it has access, though, I wonder that the US does not move to, ahem, "secure freedom" for the people there. Then again, they are awfully pale for the most part...

That's about enough.