It occurred to me yesterday that I am decently placed. I have a decent enough job, and I have freelancing opportunities that allow me to bring in a bit more money. Too, I have the time to pursue many of those opportunities and my continued work on The Work, which I value greatly. More, I have a supportive family, a talented brother whom I can actually call a friend, a loving wife, and a precious (and bound to be precocious) daughter. Others have far less, even as a great many have a fair sight more, and I am not unmindful of the ways in which I have been blessed.
I find, however, that it is not enough. My job is one with a time limit on it, and while I may well be renewed, I may well not be. Freelance work as to be done now, and while working on it, there is always the chance that better opportunities will come by and be missed because the already-existing jobs block them from view. The time spent on The Work leads people to condemn those who do it as lazy, lounging about the ivory tower in intellectual onanistic mimesis. And the family...I have to support my wife and Ms. 8, and while I am more than happy to have them in my life, I am aware that I get that privilege by way of substantial responsibility to them. For which reason I find that I cannot simply accept what is and enjoy it; I have to make sure that they are secure.
That acceptance has been an issue of some contention. I have been told more than once, and by more than one person, that I should not get so focused on where I need to be that I miss where I am, that I should enjoy things as they are. I have found that I cannot do so--and I do not recall that I have ever been able to do so. To my mind, such acceptance abets laziness, and I am already too much indolent. Such acceptance abets complicity with systems of oppression because it precludes examination of events. Such acceptance leads to an unwillingness to improve matters; if things are okay, and okay is enough, there is no incentive to change--not even for the better.
I know that I do not yet suffice. I know that where I am and what I do are not yet as good as they ought to be. I do not accept that the results I have had as yet are the results that should be final, and so I do not accept my current circumstances. What little I can do to change them, I do; I work to find more stable employment and higher-paying, and I work to do more of The Work besides, and I do both while doing what else I can to make my way and keep my family fed and housed. There is not much time left to appreciate where I am, at least as people seem to have told me I ought to do. And if I really appreciate the people in my life, should I not do as much as I can do to support them? I know that presence trumps presents, but my being around is not helpful if it comes at the cost of being without a home or food to eat...