20140719.0718

Ms. 8 has made it through five months of life in the waking world. Her parents have made it through five months of having her in the waking world. Her grandparents, I am sure, are laughing more than thirty and thirty-five years further along in the process, as are her great-grandmothers.

I am not about to wax philosophical about the joys and challenges of parenting. There is quite enough of that out in the world as it is, and I try not to be "that guy" whose entire conversation is always about the kid. Yes, she is the single most important part of my life, but there are other important things, and conversation need not always restrict itself to the most important. (Really, it never does. How many of us speak of nothing but what is truly most important in the world? How many of us ever actually speak of it at all?) I know that it grates on people to hear of nothing but Ms. 8, and I grate on people enough simply by being who and what I am. (That I lack certain charms is not a secret to me. Or to anyone who speaks with me.) So I tend to restrict how frequently I announce things about Ms. 8 to the world, and the relatively few people whom I know do not readily tire of hearing of her hear of her often and in abundance. And that seems to work well enough for all who are involved.

Even so, given the normative social practices expected of those demographics to which I belong--notably "Millennial" and "middle-class" "white"*--I probably ought to say more of my daughter online than I do. As I have noted, I have been staying home with Ms. 8 during the days while her mother, my wife, works. I have been working to be the "more engaged" father, even if I feel myself not to be doing too good a job at it. I still feel compelled to be of use outside the home, and have been doing a fair bit of freelance writing to do so, as well as various blog posts such as these and what I do for the Tales after Tolkien: Travels in Genre and Medievalism, as well as more formal scholarly projects. I cannot help but think it takes me away from my daughter when she needs me, yet we need the money, and if I am going to find the kind of job that will allow me to offer some security and stability to my family, I have to do the outside work on The Work. In any event, I am home, and I have access to cameras; the sensation that I ought to be taking pictures of her and posting them to the internet for all to see nags at me. It is, after all, what I see many others of my demographics doing, and I have to wonder if it is not the way in which our children will know whether or not we love them that we do such things.

I do not think I am out of line for worrying about whether or not I will be remembered with love by my child. And I know that some will say "Be a good father, and it will happen." I do not disagree with them. I simply wonder if part of "being a good father" now includes for members of my demographic group/s the kind of thing I describe (perhaps ineptly) above. I keep Ms. 8 fed and clothed, clean and dry, housed and protected (insofar as the last has been an issue thus far). I work to ensure that she benefits from contact with her broader family. But I do not know that it is enough, or that if it is now that it will remain so. Hence my concern.

*Not that any of these have stable meanings.