Monday, March 25, 2019

20190325.0430

Today, of course, marks the anniversary of the destruction of the One Ring and the fall of Sauron. Along with 22 September, it is one of the most important days in Tolkien fandom, being, among others, Tolkien Reading Day. There is part of me that laments not being able to do more to celebrate it than to make this note; I have to work today, and not only at my day job, so I cannot spend the day re-reading the Tolkienian works I have ready to hand, and I do not have the funds available to gather any more such for myself at this point. But there is also part of me that is reasonably at ease with not having to maintain the fervor of my earlier nerdiness anymore. I have done my bit of nerdiness, and I continue to do bits of nerdiness, but I am increasingly a casual fan of things, rather than the more...intensive fan that I have been. The intensity's a lot to maintain, and I do not have it in me to do that much anymore.
I do not think I have lost in the exchange, though. It is the case that I would like to be able still to immerse myself in the voracious consumption of new knowledge--not just about Tolkien, but about the many nerdinesses in which I have indulged and still, if to a lesser extent, indulge. (There remain many, which is probably part of the problem.) But I know that doing so is largely selfish; even if I do as I have done in the past and still do, and I take what I know and work to put what I learn from it out into the world as an article or somesuch thing, so that others might come to know more, I still keep more than I give back. And I take from my family and from other concerns in doing so; reading takes time, and while the reading is a thing I can do with Ms. 8, the writing that would follow is not something that admits of doing well while attending to my child. (The reverse is also true.) I do wake early in the day so that I have some time to do such things during which I know my family does not need me, and I spend that time as well as I can, but there is only so much I can do in so much time. I am not at a place where I can do more of it.
Still, what I get from being a family man more than a nerdy man--or from trying to be, since I may well not be at that point yet--is more than I lose. No, I cannot sit and indulge myself for hours on end. I can, however, indulge others, and, in the case of my daughter, I can watch her grow in no small part because I give her what I give her. And I can still share some of the nerdiness I purchased at no small cost with her. (I am fortunate, too, that her mother indulges my geekitude.) Perhaps she will not be so happy with it as I have been, but perhaps she will find it the source of comfort I did, and, if she does, it will be a way I can be closer to a person whom I love to excess.

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