20190812.0430

I am and remain a damned fool, a poor student despite more years of schooling than is good for anybody and that most will ever undertake. When I was a younger man and more hopeful for the world than I have since become, I studied judo and aikido. (Not at the same time, mind; I studied sequentially.) The latter, I had the chance to study in one of the foremost schools for it in the world. I did not attend classes as diligently as I ought to have done, not until near the end of my time in The City, and I was not as good a student of either art as I ought to have been, certainly not as much as either deserved from me. And it has shown, not only in my performance in the dojo, where I fared adequately but only that, but also in my ability to apply the lessons that were offered to other areas of my life. I have not transferred the skills, which is not the fault of my teachers but of their student.
The chief failure to transfer is one that was pointed out to me in grad school and has been pointed out to me since by people whose opinions I value. While I have been--I do not know if I still am; I am years out of practice--able to use others' physical force against them, either accentuating what they offer past the point where they can control it or avoiding it and redirecting it where I would have it go, I am seemingly unable to do so verbally or emotionally. Physically, I can see how I can move laterally or, on occasion, vertically to get people to go around me or past me who might want to go into or through me; even with eyes like mine, it's easy to see my way clear to a step to the side or a sudden crouch. But I am unable to do so in other arenas; I do not see my surroundings.
It's a more important lesson for me to have learned, one applicable in more areas than the physical training I have long let lapse. I am fortunate in that I am not confronted overtly with the threat of physical violence often, if I am at all. I am fortunate, too, that I am not met with mental or emotional force in opposition to me more than I am; I know many others have far more to face than I do. And perhaps that is why I seem to have so little skill in facing it adroitly; I confront rather than avoiding or evading. The confrontation does not work; it simply breeds more conflict, and nobody gets anywhere they need to be. I see no place to step; I see no way to crouch to avoid and position myself to redirect. Consequently, I fail again and again.
The fault is mine. The consequences of that fault fall on others, as well, and that is...not optimal. I should do something to address the issue, I know, but I am unsure what options are available to me, or I am unsure how to pursue those options, since some have been pointed out to me, or I am unsure that I can do so, or any number of other excuses that make sense but all speak to the same point--that I am not willing to do what I can to make things better. And I thus deserve to fail, even if others do not deserve the consequences of my failure.