20151210.0705

I slept in a bit this morning after having gone to bed early last night. For the first time in a long time, I feel refreshed. I know that the sensation will not last long; I am going to have to get back to work soon enough, to be sure, and there are things happening in the next few weeks that will also disrupt my ability to remain rested. But for now, as the weather around Sherwood Cottage rebounds from a touch of winter into a healthy, comfortable autumn--and it is still autumn--I will enjoy the feeling of being at ease and ready to face what confronts me, little as does at the moment.

Part of why I say "little as does" is that my cough is much better this morning than yesterday morning. I am coughing far less, and when I do cough, it is more productive, leaving my lungs and nose and throat clearer each time. The cough does still remain, though, and I can still feel the pressure in my sinuses (which spikes uncomfortably when I do cough, to my annoyance), so I am not fully recovered, but things are still far, far better now than they were even at this time yesterday, let alone at this time last week. The improvement is decidedly welcome.

I am continuing to seek permanent positions, sending out letters to that end in plenty and in haste. I really should go through and count how many I have posted since the beginning of this calendar year--all while maintaining a research agenda, teaching my classes and grading the associated papers (as well as doing the online work I do in support of my teaching mission, currently here), carrying out freelance work (although there have been gaps in the ordering, such as one happening at the moment), and attending to the care of my family. I have the sense that I am at several hundred, and it is useful to be reminded that I do a damned lot of work, most of which does not end up paying even if it is done in the search for paying work.

The thought could be voiced that my working so hard not for money bespeaks my folly, and I concede that I have often felt the fool for doing what I do in the way I do it. At the same time, I do, at least at this point, have a goal in mind, an agenda I mean to pursue, and I have the hope that doing so will lead me to a place where I can be satisfied. I am not there yet; I am insufficiently secure for that to be the case, for me to say that it is enough. Satis means enough, remember, and so satisfaction, "enough-making," cannot be achieved without enough--and I dare not call it enough that does not allow me to take care of my family. I can do so now only with significant effort, the expenditure of which does tend to vitiate against my being there for my Mrs. and Ms. 8; it is not enough.

Someday, it might be.