20141230.0900

It is decidedly not spring, but I am doing a bit of cleaning, nonetheless. A year and more of papers have piled up, and I am sorting through them. I have the hope that in doing so, I may be able to order my thoughts about the year that is soon to be gone, to make some sense of how things have fallen out these past months. Perhaps in doing so, I can come in some way to have some glimpse of what may come in the next twelve. Perhaps I can figure out ways in which I have erred and determine how I can avoid repeating the mistakes I have heretofore made. Perhaps I can even find a way to do better.

That the paperwork has piled up as it has is a mark more of laziness than of busyness. It would not have been hard for me to keep up with things if I had simply done so, rather than shunting things aside to sit idly and play games that do not challenge me and do not connect me to others. One of the mistakes I made is that I let things slide, thinking "I'll get to it" and then allowing the "it" to slip away from conscious thought. The nagging memory likely served to inform the annoyance I have felt so often, the unease at leaving things undone that I ought to have done making less stable my feelings in the present moment. So I will seek to keep from that error.

There are others to avoid, as well, that have nothing to do with paperwork unchecked. The usual bits about being kinder, or at least less unkind, suggest themselves. Less common is the thought that I might finally purge myself of certain things, to give in wholly to the evil that is in me and cast aside scruple in the pursuit of immediate benefit for myself and my household. As it is, I am caught between the two, having in me too much of each to feel truly at ease with the other. I think I have said it before, and I think I am not alone in it, but the feeling of being between two ideals that are more or less mutually exclusive is hardly the most pleasant. Perhaps I can avoid the error of remaining in it.

There is also the matter of my later writing. I have got to get back to waking up at a decent hour; I have been sleeping in too much and too often of late. I go to bed no later, so I am losing time in the day, and there are many things that need to have me do them. I did so much more and so much better when I did it earlier than I am doing it now. The mistake of remaining asleep as I have done is one which I very much need to correct--especially as it seems to be doing me no good.