20109121.0430

There are times I find it harder to write than others. Some days, I can sit and hammer out thousands of words without any trouble. Others, I struggle to write a single sentence. And this is a problem because as much of my jobs depend on writing as do, and many of the leisure activities I undertake--if they can be said to be "many"--similarly rely on my putting words together in order on pages. Today, as I work to write this bit in this webspace, is more the "others" than the "some," although I've already put together no few emails and composed a short rumination in the other webspace I maintain, and I am like to write another bit for yet another webspace I seem to manage. So I do not know why it is that I feel I am having such trouble when, to all appearances, I am not actually having it.
I suppose some of it comes from the fact that the writing I do seems not to go anywhere. Yes, the emails and documentation I develop for my day job go on record, and the work I do commenting on student papers might be of some help. The writing I do for the games I play, narrative constructions that they are, seem also to help. But I am not in a position where I can simply be a writer, and I really do not know how to break into the market of doing so, or at least doing so under my own name. I can pick up freelance work without much trouble, but most or all of that is ghostwriting, and I am not sure that that kind of work is the kind of work I can claim. And so, perhaps, I find myself feeling as if I have trouble putting words together; I feel I have not got much of anything to show for the time and effort I've spent on doing so across the years.
I am not unaware of the irony of bemoaning such in this venue. At least in the other webspace, I outright ask for money, and I might at some point follow through on the plan suggested by a friend of mine to monetize it in the usual fashion. In such an event, I am like to move the writing I do in this webspace to that; I will need to align my work to a single venue in that event. But I feel as if I ought to be working on some larger project more than I am, and doing so seems to escape me. I do not always have time that I can focus on such work, certainly not when I have the energy I might devote to it. The reverse is also true. And I am not at all convinced I have the scope of vision to carry such a thing out. Nor yet do I think I am able to connect with people in such a way. My narrative persona is a bit too uptight for easy relating, and that relation is needed.
All I can do, really, is to keep plugging away and maybe stumble into something that will give me a bit more time and freedom to do what I need to do to write at length and well. But that will be a long time coming, I think, if ever it comes--no matter how hard I might work at the task of bringing it about.