20190131.0430

The end of another month has come, and I'll be shifting my focus again, beginning tomorrow. As I think I've noted, I'll be back to work on my hymns against the Stupid God, and there are enough of its activities about to prompt any number of songs. I do not know that any other voices will take them up, I do not know that they will ever be set to any tune or scored for polyphonic presentation, but I will continue to write the lyrics for them until there is no more cause for it. And the day that there is no more cause for such will be long in coming, I know.
I will not say it has not been without challenge, putting together commentaries--I probably overstate the matter to call what I've been writing here "essays"--each day. I've not always had the time with each piece that I would like, or the uninterrupted time with each that I would prefer; the writing's proceeded in fits and starts, and I worry that that haphazard composition has shown up more than it has not. But I keep in mind that this webspace is a performed practice for me, one that I open to public view but without the expectation of excellence or even proficiency, which I am sure can be read to convey some message I probably ought to avoid. Rather, I would prefer to think of this as a place where I can open myself in some ways to some people, and if I am poked in the parts of me I show, I learn where I can become yet better.
I need to be better yet, indeed. Whatever pride I might or might not take in what I do when I do it, I know that my efforts do not suffice to my needs and those of the people for whom I care. What I do does not bring in what I would have it do, and what I do bring in is not enough to offer those I love the things they want--and I am concerned that it is not enough to give them what they need. I know I am not alone in the effort of maintaining the household, but I cannot help but feel that I need to do more to carry that burden so that others can enjoy themselves more. And if I practice here enough, perhaps I can come to a point where this sort of effort is itself the avenue of support; it might not make me happy, but I can stand to not be if I am ensuring that certain others have a better chance to be so.
In any event, it is time for me to take a break from doing this kind of thing, time for me to shift my focus once again. I am likely overdue, in terms of the quality of what I have been doing, but I try to hold to what I say I will do, and I seem to have been setting for myself the goal of a month at a time. I know the upcoming month is a short one, and I can hope there will be some benefit to that; I know also the month that will follow it is a longer one, and I can hope to be ready to meet it when its own time comes.